freezing you to the bone.

My brain is full of too many things. If I could grab a tap and lodge it into my skull and turn it on - so many things would all come pouring out. Dirty little secrets I've kept for so long, moments I long to forget; so many pretty pretty words.

But so many other things would all come tumbling out. I'd lose so many things. My talents and dreams and all would come spilling out of my brain tap and spash down my nose, down my clothes and drip drip drip onto the floor. Lost forever.

Perhaps I'd be better off just keeping my brain too full. At least no one may accuse me of being empty-headed.

Lady Gaga Does Not Cure My Insomnia.

Hello there random pill,
How did you slip out?
I took you and your brothers in my purse
Out on the drink
With achy aches and pains
Burbling away in my stomach.

I guess the packet was kinda shit.
I did get you on the cheap
From a magical place called Superdrug
For Reading Festival, last year.

And now you hold mantle
On my gloriously dirty keyboard
Beside F6.
Oh, what a lovely place to be!

It’s 8am and sleep was abandoned long ago.
Because it’s not working.
And now I sit with the curtains open
And in my dressing gown, glare at the sky.
This is fucking shit, pill.

Cough cough.
Did I catch the lurgy off that girl I snogged?
Maybe. Well – I hope not.
Cos that would be pretty gay.

Lady Gaga won’t help me out.
What a whore, right?
Perhaps I should try some more wine.
No, no wait - that won’t help me.
Because I was drunk and now I’m sober.
Oh well, I guess there’ll be no hangover in the afternoon.

So, little pill - what should I do?
Stalk to corridor in tights?
Knaw my arm off?
Lick my elbow?
Fuck this, I’m bored.
Good morning, little pill!

ashes to ashes.

When the world's a darker place
Faced with unspeakable danger
And with no means of escape.
The heart grows weak
And the soul soon fades away.

When you lie and dream
Of a space so far away
There will be no evensong for you.
This is place is so strange
And you can't find your way home.

When you feel like you're losing fight
The road is long and far
And your hope is nearly gone.
Find strength in those you find
And they will guide you on.

When you know the end is near
As the lights begin to dim
And the machines begin to fail.
Be vigilant, lost traveller
For the truth with all be revealed.

I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me..

You know that I'll be, your pa-pa-paparazzi.

You go, Putin. You beast.

My head is a big, scary place. It scares me sometimes. Not only is it full of words that would only make me sound like a pompous twat, but there's things in there I'm not proud of. There's so many dark things, so many words that terrify me. Nasty, ugly thoughts. But what do I do? How do you run from yourself? I really don't know.

What am I even doing anymore? Drink, drunk, fall over, collapse. And repeat.

I need to sort my life out. Get a boyfriend, get a reality check and get a fucking smile on my face. For god's sake, I need to cheer up.

Hmmm, I like it when my nail polish is all chipped and half-bitten off. It's beautifully ugly.

Oh god. Ashes to Ashes. ASHES TO FUCKING ASHES.

Sam. Oh my god. Sam.
Sam Tyler.
Sam bloody Tyler.
It's SAM.
THAT'S SAM TYLER RIGHT THERE OH MY GOD.
He's right there, knocking on the window of Gene's office, oh god - I can't take much more of this. One more week and we find out everything. Jesus Christ.

I miss you, Sam.

naaaaaaaaar.

i whiteyed in Krash
oh shite.
but now i am home
i am pleasant
got the music going
and i am content

today has been a rollercoaster
and i am still drunk
and dizzy
let's fuck and screw
and have ourselves
a real good time.

damn.
i wish i had offered myself
on a cold white plate.

tell me of your politik.

It was the election yesterday. I voted Liberal Democrats knowing full well that if Conservatives got in, we'd all be well and truly fucked. Why? Because it is a cold, hard fact that David Cameron doesn't care about us. I watched until 4am to see how the parties would do and shrunk back in horror at the Exit Poll. I sat and watched as Tories gained more and more seats.

I went to be hoping this was all a bad dream. But that's when the true nightmare started.

I dreamt I was at school, I was dressed in yellow. There was a big party - we were celebrating. I was sure we had won something - or maybe we hadn't, I wasn't sure. We were just celebrating - everyone was happy. It was good. And then a girl in red comes along and is worried. She tells me something and walks away - I'm confused. Later, a girl in blue comes along and tells me she doesn't want to be friends - she hates me. She tells me I shouldn't be here, I don't deserve to be here. She tells me I'm not allowed to vote - I don't deserve to, I don't have the right to.

I get upset. I lash out, push her and punch her and do everything I can to hurt her. I hate her, she's not my friend. I just want to hurt her so much. And then I step back, shocked at what I've done. She's lying amongst upturned desks and chairs - the old-school ones you'd get in the sixties or something. The ones you open up, yeah? She doesn't say anything, but stares up at me.

And I step back, from out of a class room and I'm suddenly on grass, the room's falling away to the outside, to endless fields or green and yellow. I look at I see David Cameron standing and staring at me - shocked. I cry and run away into the fields - they're long and hard to move through. I move slowly, as if running through water.

And I run away, and no one comes to find me. But I'm hoping, just wishing that someone does.

Could I dream of a future of repression of the Tory rule? Or could I merely dream my fears of one in childish ways?

let's not fight, i'm tired - can't we just sleep tonight?

I feel ignored, pissed off, cranky and lonely. Why do I have the feeling that no one wants to actually talk to me anymore? No one replies to my texts when I text them, no one messages me back when I message them.

I feel utterly useless - it's like any friend I've made in the last eight months has completely forgotten about me and I can't do anything to change that. I'm trying so hard to make an effort, get people to come and hang out, go for a drink - do what friends do. But no one bothers with me?

I've never felt more isolated in all my life, I just don't know what to do anymore.